I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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