Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
