oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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