I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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