My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
