I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
