before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i think i just lost a toe
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
