I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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