Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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