You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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