i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
