I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
