Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
