if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
