My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize