There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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