On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
