i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
