Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
