Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
50% drunk capacity currently
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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