i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
