I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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