you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
