Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
