you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
