Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
