Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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