I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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