You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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