You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
