Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
