WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
