so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize