I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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