you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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