Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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