omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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