you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
