the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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