im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
