I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
