i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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