Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
