i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
