Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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