I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
