He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
