It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
