You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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