my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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