dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
