Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
