You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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