so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
