Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
