i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Semen is not good for contacts.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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