dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
