you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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