I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
