You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
