Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize