You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm having to shit out rocks
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