forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
