stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
