It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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