Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
