Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The uberlube is also flammable
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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