Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
