worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
This baby is an asshole
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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