Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
