I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
