Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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