So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
